Find or Create

Find or Create

I’ve enjoyed rediscovering old skills that have lain dormant for many years.  I was intimidated by the newer equipment when I got down here.  I didn’t know if I would be able to run it or not.  Today I spent a few hours caving in some old latrines and filling them with rubble using the new CAT backhoe.  It went well.  The old skills I had were still there; just quite rusty.  They needed some lubricating oil of remembrance and a little time to work the gears back and forth.  Eventually I found them right where I had left them.

I’m noticing that some of the people coming down from the States seem to come to find themselves.  They are unhappy with the idea of secular work, doing the same thing over and over and not deriving any other benefit but a wage.  I suppose I had that same thought.  In fact, Michelle and I talked some about that subject as I was deciding whether or not to go to Haiti.  The idea of using some of my skills and talents on the mission field seemed intriguing to me.  Other mission trips that I had been on didn’t seem to ‘click’ in the sense of doing something I was already familiar with.  For example, my trips to Latin America were related to building churches.  I had some experience in that area, but it wasn’t something I particularly knew a lot about.  My trip to Europe years ago was in relation to watching how a man went about starting an outreach overseas.  It was interesting but wasn’t something I could contribute in.  I thought an experience in Haiti would set me in a specific direction as I had experience in demolition and heavy equipment operations and repairs.  It seemed a pretty good fit.

My time here has helped me find out a little more about myself.  I miss driving the machines but I don’t miss the dirt, the noise and the maintenance the stuff takes.  There is quite a lot of down time while waiting for others to do their part in order to do my part.  They are also bouncy and very repetitive in the nature of their tasks.  I think I’ve remembered what the life of an excavating contractor really is like.  It is a dirty job.  On the other hand, I have enjoyed finishing some projects and having a grateful thanks from the owner.  It feels good to have someone else pay the bills and I get a pat on the back.

So in a short summary, I’ve found I like driving new equipment and getting a smiling face from someone in return.  But there are other things at work here.  The question of how this life style fits into place with my family relationships and what I consider the important things in my life weighs in the balance.  In some respect it has been a challenge deciding whether or not what I find in myself from being here is what I want to live with.

Kyle’s mom posted a quote from some obscure author on Facebook the other day.  It basically said, ‘don’t find yourself, create yourself’.   I’ve given that quite a bit of thought the past few days.  Yes, I can rediscover who I am down here, oil up old skills and find an outlet for them, use my talents in welding and repairs on equipment, but if I were to create myself from scratch, is that what I would want to make?  I’m thinking not.  I’ve done that for a good portion of my life.  Yes, it is here on a mission field of sorts and it does make somewhat of a difference in the lives of the locals.  But, in light of my thoughts on prior posts, is this how I want to create myself in the last portion of my life?

I’m thinking that I don’t really want to be an excavating contractor again.  I’m also thinking that I don’t want to work outside, in the heat, under great big dirty stuff that drops oil and smears grease on every portion of my body.  I’ve also found that there are other people, younger and more skilled than I who will do these things. 

I think I’ll let them.